6 Lessons I Learnt from My 6 Years as a Parent
“Your greatest contribution to the world may not be something you do but someone you raise.”
~Andy Stanley
1) The paradox of parenting and happiness
Several studies show that parents are less “happy” than non-parents, and that children reduce marital satisfaction. Perhaps the most famous study comes from a 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, who surveyed 1000 working Texas women and found that child care ranked sixteenth in “most pleasurable activity” out of nineteen activities.
However, 95% of parents don’t regret having children. In fact, if you ask yourself or other parents what brings you most happiness in life, the answer will most likely be their families and their children. They will say there is nothing more important and meaningful than raising their children. How can this be?
Dan Gilbert tries to explain this paradox by explaining that there is a difference between people’s day-to-day happiness, their overall life satisfaction and their eudaimonic happiness — a sense of purpose in life. The latter is the one most relevant to parenting.
“Which kind of happiness do you seek in life?”
2) How to deal with your child’s emotions-
Life is not always easy. Learning how to deal with hardships is a very important skill. While we want to protect and shield our children from hardships and difficulties, we must remember that they need to acquire this skill.
Dealing with tantrums —
When present in a child’s tantrum, try not to get flustered yourself- remain the mature adult. The most important thing you can do, is after the meltdown, revisit it. Discuss it a few hours later with your child, what did they feel (give the feeling a name), what do we do when we feel this emotion, how would they act differently next time…
Don’t try to fix everything
We want our kids to do well and be happy. It is difficult when we see them upset, struggling or failing. Our first reaction may be to step in and try to solve their issue for them. Someone is being mean to your kid? Pick up the phone and call that boy’s mom or call the teacher...
We need to give our children a chance to find their own solutions. Of-course, some cases do require parental intervention and that’s fine. But in too many cases we rush in when they can handle the situation.
“Helicopter parents” hover over their children and are overly involved in their lives and school work. Such parenting actually has the opposite effect and has been shown to cause more depression and anxiety in kids.
Acknowledge their feeling and give it a name —
If your child is sad or emotional, don’t shrug off their emotion. “Oh your fine, it didn't hurt” or “Oh, i’m sure they didn’t mean it”. Instead, give their emotion validation and a name of a specific feeling. “You are disappointed” or “you are frustrated”, “That must be difficult for you”. Let them experience their pain.
“All a child needs is one adult to believe in him”.
~Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach
3) Focus on your own well being
The airlines always remind us to put on our own mask first, before assisting someone else. You have to care for yourself. Maybe for you this can mean spending time with friends, reading books, exercising, hobbies or having a job you love outside of your parenting life.
Win-Win, don’t be a victim
Your kids benefit from the fact they see that your world does not revolve around them. Share your outside life with them, tell them about experiences and people you encounter.
Being a victim, where you feel you are “sacrificing” yourself for your family is the wrong approach. In a family we each have needs, and they need to be satisfied in harmony. Kids need their parents happy. Its OK to decide to take a smaller career role or to focus mostly these short years on your family, but only if you are happy with your decision and aren’t a “victim”.
It takes a village
Does it really take an entire village/community to raise a kid? Can you raise a happy healthy child without a support system? Yes you can, but a support network makes its much easier for you as a parent. Especially as a new parent try to get all the help you can, be it grandparents/babysitter/cleaning help. Of-course this isn't always possible. My friend, for example, has 4 very young children and her parents are older. She manages and does the best she can with the support she has.
Of-course you and your spouse are each other’s main support network. Children benefit greatly from having two parents, and also from experiencing their different styles and temperaments.
4) Zoom in on the good-
Children need us to view them in a good light, it helps them feel valued. Feeling that I am valued and worthy is one of the most important feeling humans need.
A baby is born with a need to be loved — and never outgrows it.~ Frank A. Clark
Catch Kids Being Good
It is easier to notice when a kid is misbehaving, yelling or hitting. Try to catch kids doing something right and zoom in on that. “You made your bed without being asked — that’s terrific!” or “Wow, such great sharing with your sister”.
Be a memory gatekeeper
Take photos of them, make photo albums and documents funny/interesting things they say. My friend has a special email she uses to send funny things her kids say. Kids love looking at photos of themselves at all ages. Reminiscing on good memories is great for everyone in the family.
5) Everything is a phase
There are really only a few short years when your kids are young. Just knowing that you are going through such a special time in their life, makes you cherish these precious moments, even if at times they are difficult.
“childhood is a short season “
~Helen Hayes MacArthur
The bad times fly-
The beginning stages with a new baby or juggling an extra newborn can be difficult. You may feel overwhelmed, frustrated. Maybe your baby is waking up a lot and you feel that this situation will never end.
Knowing that this time is just a phase and will pass before you know it, makes it easier. The baby gets bigger, his sleeping during the night improves as he gets older… Even next week will look so different.
Older children come with their own hardships and joys, but this particular bad moment/situation? Shall pass very soon.
6) Let them be independent
Everyone needs to feel needed in this world. Don’t deprive your children of that. Incorporating them in your chores, might be harder at first, but in the long run is worth it for them and for you. They also need to be challenged.
Let them have their own tasks in the house- dishes, laundry is a great one (starting a load, hanging laundry, putting away laundry), cooking, cleaning.
Sources= blog post, Good parents ~Dr. Hili Kohavi
